[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
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If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what