Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
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Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.