[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
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If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.