Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
You Might Also Like
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.