Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
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[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
2023 was just a warmup
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.