Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
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creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.