Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
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Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
HERE’S MARKY
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.