I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
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Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
umm…
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*