Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
cause of death:
autopsy.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
That’s what I call a flat tire
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE