*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
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Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
These aren’t even hard anymore.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.