if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
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Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
🙂🙃🥹
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
sir, my pâté if you please
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.