Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
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We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now