I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
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I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
the three branches of government
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it