Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
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Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
TEENS IN THE 70S: letâs protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: letâs protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: letâs rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: letâs eat laundry detergent
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
“What?”
– Jude
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists donât just develop ânanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.â So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up heâd appreciate it thnx
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: Iâm going to give you a shot to help me relax
normal brain: âyouâre now unsubscribed from our mailing listâ
big brain: âplease tell us why youâve unsubscribedâ
exploding brain: âtype in the email address youâd like us to remove from our listâ
galaxy brain: âplease log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: đđđđ I Dont know guys, leave me alone đ
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as âbring home the baconâTheyâd have us say âbring home the bagelsâ
That suggestion has holes in it.
Granny said âalright now, if she fall thatâs it for meâ đ
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”