ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
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Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
wishing you and yours all the best