[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
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Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
I’m awake but I object,
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.