@BorowitzReport: Romney: "I have nothing but respect for women. I'm good friends with the owners of some."
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@simoncholland: When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she's talking about vacuuming.
@stuckinaportal: [mastercard commercial] "there are some things that money can't buy" politician: i don't get it
@StephanieOKC: Someone needs to tell Madonna you can't call it "Girls Gone Wild" when you're a 100.
@QwertyJones3: If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they'd lose the alarm and just announce that there's free food by the stairs.