@BorowitzReport: Romney: "I have nothing but respect for women. I'm good friends with the owners of some."
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@The_Amazon_Eve: "Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people." -my cat
@mattZillaaaa: My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like "no, I went out last night"
@RamblingMachine: In a public restroom I found a sign that read "THINK" on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser "THOAP" to match with it
@GreenishDuck: Fun Fact: 100% of people don't know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else's house.