@BorowitzReport: Romney: "I have nothing but respect for women. I'm good friends with the owners of some."
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
@SirEviscerate: Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
@krisv_723: I'm here to make a donation. Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use... *Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I'd like a receipt. For my taxes.
@7_Cents: *eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting* Wtf there's no prize in this? "Sir, we don't sell cereal. This is Petsmart."