@BorowitzReport: Romney: "I have nothing but respect for women. I'm good friends with the owners of some."
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@LuvPug: Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
@NikiWithIssues: Liam Neeson is like Super Mario who keeps saving a chick who keeps getting kidnapped but instead of mushrooms he's really into phone calls.
@PinkCamoTO: Autocorrect changed "you flatter me" to "you flatten me" and shit just got really weird.