Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
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What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
#polloftheday
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.