@CarpentersCrack: Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented "that sounds delicious".
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@GoddessTitty: Going to get a facial today... this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
@bourgeoisalien: People don't realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I'm late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
@realHamOnWry: What did I learn getting fired today? Never walk behind your boss, poke his bald spot and yell, "Hey, you've got a hole in your haircut".
@ilikeyouguys: You can buy wedding cake even if there's no wedding, those suckers don't even check