I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
You Might Also Like
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.