[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
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me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Perfect.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.