ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
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Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Not now. I’m deglazing.