Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
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Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Wake me when AI does housework