Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
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Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Duck typos.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Yoga Matt
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”