Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
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interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
If looks could kill
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.