Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
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I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*