ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
You Might Also Like
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Who called it baking and not making love
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
The cashier just checked me out.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Your honor these allegations are
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*