ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
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*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.