@curiousteej: Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we're now Amish
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@Book_Krazy: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I've had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
@BuckyIsotope: *spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time* *girlfriend sighs* "Just take off the mittens" MY HANDS ARE COLD
@runawaycupcake: Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it's expected that you'll continue to speak w/accent after you're hired
@noog: I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.