Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
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That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery