As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
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Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside