Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
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I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Gemma Correll
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.