Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
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therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.