Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
You Might Also Like
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
How do you milk an almond?
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.