I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
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Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
no their not
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
i’m still crying at this
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]