Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
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Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
🏙👨🏼
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will