Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
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Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many