[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
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Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security