[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
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Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.