ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
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i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”