[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
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“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.