Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
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Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Carpe DM
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me: