[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
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I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
pizza
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.