[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
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DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
sir, my pâté if you please
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.