Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
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My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.