Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
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me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’m listening
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
m’lady
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.