Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
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Any refunds available?…
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Can’t stop laughing
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Dear Lord..
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace