ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
We need more people like this.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her