Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
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My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’