Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
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Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.