@MorganJ7: Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,
I'm a terrible gardener.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
@heidi420x: The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
@Pink: There's a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it's important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm... Idiot
@SaraMansford: I added broccoli to my kid's Mac n Cheese and now he's sitting in a spinny chair, petting a hairless cat and plotting his revenge.
@chiggerweeds: Finally figured out that 'YOLO' is 'carpe diem' in douchebag.