@MorganJ7: Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,
I'm a terrible gardener.
@XplodingUnicorn: Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
@bobvulfov: GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
@TheSchnizzy: Yesterday I extinguished a colleague's cigarette at the office with a water pistol.
Adds firefighter to resume
@dblackattack: It's nothing serious, we're not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
@novicefather: "Child rearing" sounds like something that'll get you life in prison.