Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
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Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.