Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
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will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.