Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
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I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.