Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
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Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the